That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
