I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
