My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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