Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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