I cut my penus on the lid.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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