I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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