There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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