I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
