I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
