A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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