I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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