I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
