I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
