Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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