cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
