i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
