Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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