I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
