Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
