The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
