She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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