You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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