I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
