I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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