I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
