Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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