I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
