I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I checked into jail on foursquare
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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