I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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