i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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