I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
