dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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