Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
