i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
