wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
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You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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