I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
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