I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
