Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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