you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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