Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
