Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
