I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It's never too late to be topless.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
