I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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