On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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