Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
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My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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