ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
