Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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