My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
