So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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