can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
