he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
