i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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