You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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