I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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