reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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