I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
