Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
