dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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