We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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