I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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