either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
