Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
