When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
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His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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