Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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