why didn't you poke me back
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
