My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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